Every moment of every day I am aware of the years of abuse. Deep, dark recesses of my mind that have hidden away the details are also constantly nagging. There is a part of me that believes there can never be any safety or any happiness in this life. That part has gone into hiding and only emerges when the stresses and pressures and fears of the moment become so overwhelming that it must make itself heard. It emerges in my dreams — vivid dreams that, when interpreted, tell the truth of my inner fears of being forced back into an abusive relationship somehow.
Yet I dwell in peace — a peace that passes all understanding. There are moments when the clouds threaten to engulf me once again but I have grown quite adept at pushing them away and rejoicing in the healing that has taken place in my soul.
There really is only one way to be whole and that is by letting Jesus in and asking Him to heal that which has been broken and bruised and crushed under the heel of man. When I asked the Lord to put the fragmented pieces of my soul back together again, I didn’t even know what that would look like. I had been shattered for so long that I didn’t remember what it was to be whole. I had spent years being ostracized and criticized and humiliated by co-workers and acquaintances who did not know my circumstance and consequently could not understand my behavior. I had refused to talk to strangers and scurried like a scared rabbit whenever I was confronted with unfamiliar situations, people, or surroundings.
Six months ago I asked the Lord to put the shattered pieces of my soul back together again and to remove the walls and partitions I had erected between me and others. I am amazed at what the Lord did in me. Just six short months later and I don’t even recognize myself sometimes! What was once a timid, reserved, introverted, anti-social creature has broken out of her cocoon to become outgoing and friendly and unafraid — of anyone! Where I once dreaded each day I now awake with a song in my heart and joyful praise on my lips. I am a new creature — or perhaps, I am simply the woman I was destined to be before the abusers tore me down and crushed my spirit. Whichever it is, I can honestly say that my vocabulary is inadequate to express the gratitude I feel for what the Lord has done in me.
There are still battles to fight and victories to be won. Yet I dwell in peace because I know the Victor and He has shown Himself faithful in all things. I can walk through the next storm with my head up and a smile on my face because no matter what the circumstance, the battle belongs to the Lord and HE NEVER LOSES!
“In the midst of every storm I am there. I hold your hand, I steady your walk. I am, indeed, the victor. If you want to win all of your battles you must rely on Me at all times. Lean into me in the darkest moments. No matter what it may look like to your eyes, know that I see an entirely different picture and I am making even this very crooked way straight and this path smooth for you. Hold my hand. Do not let go. Do not turn your eyes to the circumstance. Keep your eyes on me and follow in my footsteps. Together we will win. I love you and I will never let you go. Don’t look down. Don’t look around. Keep your eyes on me!”
Deuteronomy 31:6 New King James Version (NKJV)
6 Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.