It’s going to be another gorgeous day today, and I am sitting here in anticipation of the sunrise, waiting for the first golden rays that will turn the black sky into a shimmery display of rose and purple and blue. This is my favorite time of the day for it seems the entire world is asleep except me and the Holy Spirit and we get to watch the day start together. What a treat!
Just one short year ago I would not be sitting here waiting for the sunrise. If I happened to be awake I might have glanced out the window but it would not have had any meaning for me other than to herald another bleak day. Just a year! I am so amazed and so grateful.
The healing process has been astonishing – sometimes unbelievable. If I hadn’t lived it out myself I might question the depth of the illness and the level of restoration. But I did live it and I know it is true. I was the zombie brought back to life. I was the victim healed of all of her hurts. I was the survivor turned into victor — resurrected from a death-like state to abundant life. Taken from the depths of PTSD and a fugue state to health. What a mighty God we serve!
The walk has not been easy – at least it wasn’t as I was going through. The resurrecting of long-buried memories which were apparently the cause or start of my illnesses, was difficult and took every ounce of strength and courage I could muster. But it was incredible – each time the Holy Spirit brought a memory to surface He would stay with me as I relived it and then He brought healing and forgiveness for each one. The process never took more than a day, but the recovery time afterward could last up to a week. It was like undergoing surgery and then having to recover – except there are no scars remaining after the surgery of the Holy Spirit – every single thing is healed.
I volunteered for this process. I was sick and tired of being sick and I cried out for healing. With each instance I was given the opportunity to either stay where I was or go forward – I could choose to let a memory stay buried or I could choose to expose it and work through the healing process. I chose healing every single time. No, it wasn’t easy and yes, it was worth it!! I received not only mental and emotional healing but physical healing as well. A year ago I felt my age. Today I feel half my age! I am alert and active and so excited to be alive – the transformation is nothing short of miraculous.
I learned many lessons this past year. I learned that making time for me was critical to mental health. I learned that some people are toxic for me and I have to stay away from them as much as possible. I learned that there are people in the world that have an amazing capacity for love and compassion and are willing to stand with me in my time of need. I discovered new friends as I released old relationships to die the death they should have died years ago. I found a wonderful boldness within that allows me to stand up against injustice and abuse wherever I encounter it. I found that taking time to create something beautiful with my hands also created something beautiful in my soul.
The greatest gift I received this year is a new intimacy with the Father and a depth of understanding of His heart for His children. He wants us all healed but He isn’t going to force anyone into the process. It is arduous and painful and if we prefer to leave the past buried then He will leave it there, too. I discovered, though, that the past – even when it is buried beyond our conscious memory – directs our steps into today and the future. If we don’t deal with the past we are destined to relive it over and over again. For me, that was no longer an option. I cried out for healing and freedom and then I cooperated with the Holy Spirit to attain each. So incredible.
As I write this today I feel and know I am completely whole. There are no other memories buried – everything has been exposed to the Light and the Light has performed a marvelous work in me. Having completed that part of the work I am seeking my next assignment and waiting on the Lord.
What a glorious sunrise!!